Chase brings us many blessings . . .

I try to think of positive things that have happened in my life because of my experience with Chase. Of course, Chase’s story is one of them. I have been able to donate copies of the book to various organizations and share Chase’s story with others that have experienced a similar loss. Hopefully some people have been comforted by Chase’s story. Hopefully, Chase’s story will continue to reach and comfort more people.

I also realize that I probably wouldn’t have my son, Trevor – who is 13 months old on the date I am writing this - if my pregnancy with Chase had gone full term. Trevor was born 3 months after my due date with Chase. The odds that I would have gotten pregnant again so soon are not high.

Trevor is my living angel. He is a beautiful, sensitive, smart little boy and I am lucky and blessed by his presence in my life everyday.

I like to think that I am a better Mom to Trevor because of my experience with Chase. I never took anything for granted with my pregnancy with Trevor and never will with any future pregnancies if I am so lucky. I realize what a miracle Trevor is and give thanks for him every day.

I also believe that my husband and I will adopt a child some day in the future and I attribute that desire to my loss of Chase. After he left us, I was a Mom without a baby and desperate to get pregnant again. Looking back, it didn’t take that long to get pregnant again – approximately 8 months – but it felt like an eternity. During that time, I wondered whether we would be able to get pregnant again, whether we would be able to have a healthy baby. That is when I started thinking about adoption. That is when the desire to adopt really took hold and that desire is still with me today. At some point down the road, I truly believe that my husband and I will adopt and that we will blessed with that child due in part as a result of our experience with Chase.

I have two children . . .

After we lost Chase, I dreaded what seems like an innocent question: "Do you have any kids?"
Every time I was asked that question, I struggled with how to answer it. If I said "yes", it would require some explanation regarding my loss of Chase. At first, I wasn’t strong enough to give the answer. Later – as I got stronger – I didn’t want to go into all of the details with people that were really just asking a simple question and looking for what they thought would be a simple answer.

But, there is never a simple answer to that question when you have lost a child.
Of course, I still get that question all of the time. And I must admit that usually, I take the easy way out and answer that I have one son. But the truth is - I have two children, two sons. I wish I responded that way more often. I feel like I am denying Chase when I say I only have one son.
I wish the answer was simpler. I wish the question wasn’t so tough.

A mother without a baby . . .

One of the hardest days for me after losing Chase was the first Mother’s Day. Seven months had passed. I was a mother. I wanted to celebrate being a mother. But I had no baby. And I mourned.

You can’t say "Happy Mother’s Day" to a mother that has no baby . . . Or can you? Should you?
I wonder what other mothers without babies have done on their first Mother’s Day? I wonder what they wish others would have done for them?
No one could give me the only thing I wanted . . . my baby.