Yes, I really do see Chase’s footprints . . .

After reading my story about Chase, a woman – who had also lost a child, asked me "Did you really see Chase’s footprints?"

That is a difficult question to answer.

Prior to writing the story, I guess the answer was "No." I didn’t literally see Chase’s footprints. But I saw and felt his presence on many occasions.

One of the most significant experiences was when my husband and I took our belated Honeymoon to Maui one month after losing Chase. We had planned to do this belated honeymoon after Chase was born. But after we lost him, we thought that we should get away. I had been to Maui before. We had thought about getting married in Maui. We went looking for some healing.

I remember the day we arrived very vividly. We decided to splurge and upgrade our standard rental car to a convertible. It was about a forty five minute drive from the airport to our hotel. We were driving along the coast. The weather was beautiful. I could feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. For the first time in quite awhile, I felt so happy. I was so relieved to be on vacation and to be in a comforting place. As I relished this recently unknown feeling of happiness, I started to feel guilty. I realized that we wouldn’t even be in Maui at that moment had we not lost Chase. I began to think about how I would give up the trip in an instant if only I could still be pregnant with a healthy baby. I started to feel very depressed and sad.

Then, in the midst of all of these thoughts and feelings, I literally felt as if someone was embracing me. I knew it couldn’t be my husband because he was driving the car. No one else was around . . . or at least so I thought. The rest of the car ride, I said very little. I kept thinking about how strongly I felt that embrace and wondering about its source.

Later that day, I told my husband about the experience. I was a little apprehensive to tell him because I feared that he might think it was goofy. But after telling him about the experience, without missing a beat or even pausing to think about it, he said "It was Chase. He is letting you know that he is OK and that it is OK for us to be here and for you to be happy." As soon as he said it, I knew he must be right. I knew Chase was there with us that day and that he would continue to be with us and send us signs letting us know that he was there and that he is OK. That provided a great deal of the healing for which we were looking and needed.

After writing the book, I really did start to see footprints everywhere. I would notice them on greeting cards, stickers, wrapping baby, jewelry, picture frames . . . It was and still is really quite amazing how often and in so many different places that I see footprints. Every time I do, I think of Chase and say "hello" and "I love you" to him.

One of the most amazing and unexpected "footprints" sightings occurred shortly after I wrote my book. I hadn’t yet published the book but I had written the story and shared it with several friends and family.

In my book, I talk about Chase leaving footprints on the dusty shelves in my office and this sighting really did happen in my office.

You see, I am an in house lawyer for a winery. I had heard that we had acquired a new brand but I hadn’t seen the packaging and didn’t think much about it. One day, someone brought a bottle of the wine into my office. I could hardly believe it when I saw the label, a footprint. Now this wine brand had been around for several years but I had never heard of it and all of a sudden my employer had acquired the brand and this bottle with a footprint on the label was staring at me. Most might call it a strange coincidence. I like to think of it as a very powerful hello from my angel, Chase.

Another example of how these footprints continue to help me heal comes from the fact that my husband found decals of footprints and put them on the rear windows of each of our cars. I can’t tell you how many times I have forgotten where I parked and then looked around and saw the footprints, guiding me to my car.

So I guess the real answer to the question is an adamant "YES." I see footprints all of the time in so many different situations and each time I think of Chase and am thankful for him and this wonderful gift of a sign from him.

Chase brings us many blessings . . .

I try to think of positive things that have happened in my life because of my experience with Chase. Of course, Chase’s story is one of them. I have been able to donate copies of the book to various organizations and share Chase’s story with others that have experienced a similar loss. Hopefully some people have been comforted by Chase’s story. Hopefully, Chase’s story will continue to reach and comfort more people.

I also realize that I probably wouldn’t have my son, Trevor – who is 13 months old on the date I am writing this - if my pregnancy with Chase had gone full term. Trevor was born 3 months after my due date with Chase. The odds that I would have gotten pregnant again so soon are not high.

Trevor is my living angel. He is a beautiful, sensitive, smart little boy and I am lucky and blessed by his presence in my life everyday.

I like to think that I am a better Mom to Trevor because of my experience with Chase. I never took anything for granted with my pregnancy with Trevor and never will with any future pregnancies if I am so lucky. I realize what a miracle Trevor is and give thanks for him every day.

I also believe that my husband and I will adopt a child some day in the future and I attribute that desire to my loss of Chase. After he left us, I was a Mom without a baby and desperate to get pregnant again. Looking back, it didn’t take that long to get pregnant again – approximately 8 months – but it felt like an eternity. During that time, I wondered whether we would be able to get pregnant again, whether we would be able to have a healthy baby. That is when I started thinking about adoption. That is when the desire to adopt really took hold and that desire is still with me today. At some point down the road, I truly believe that my husband and I will adopt and that we will blessed with that child due in part as a result of our experience with Chase.

I have two children . . .

After we lost Chase, I dreaded what seems like an innocent question: "Do you have any kids?"
Every time I was asked that question, I struggled with how to answer it. If I said "yes", it would require some explanation regarding my loss of Chase. At first, I wasn’t strong enough to give the answer. Later – as I got stronger – I didn’t want to go into all of the details with people that were really just asking a simple question and looking for what they thought would be a simple answer.

But, there is never a simple answer to that question when you have lost a child.
Of course, I still get that question all of the time. And I must admit that usually, I take the easy way out and answer that I have one son. But the truth is - I have two children, two sons. I wish I responded that way more often. I feel like I am denying Chase when I say I only have one son.
I wish the answer was simpler. I wish the question wasn’t so tough.

A mother without a baby . . .

One of the hardest days for me after losing Chase was the first Mother’s Day. Seven months had passed. I was a mother. I wanted to celebrate being a mother. But I had no baby. And I mourned.

You can’t say "Happy Mother’s Day" to a mother that has no baby . . . Or can you? Should you?
I wonder what other mothers without babies have done on their first Mother’s Day? I wonder what they wish others would have done for them?
No one could give me the only thing I wanted . . . my baby.